Royals Lose Steam After Morale Boosting Mantis Perishes

This article is provided by: Go-Forth Pest Control

The Kansas City Royals, winners of last season’s World Series, have bid farewell to any hopes of reiterating their previous season’s success. However, the reason might surprise you…

Rally Mantis has died.

Mantis

(We recommend you read the remainder of this post while listening to “In The Arms Of An Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. And because we love you, we’ve provided the LINK HERE)

This is almost as bad as the time Randy Johnson nailed that bird with a 105 mph pitch, giving ornithologists all over the world a collective mass stroke.

Rally Mantis first debuted alongside the Royals after he was discovered lingering in one of the many trash receptacles of Kauffman Stadium. Outfielder, turned brief entomologist, Billy Burns became the unofficial keeper of the mantis, allowing him to ride along on his hat and even sleeping next to the insect (which is a matter we feel needs to be investigated separately).

As the magic of Rally Mantis proliferated the stadium, fans even found themselves moved by his mysterious aura as his presence helped the team go 5-1.

mantis

The Royals even bought him a tiny traveling cage, so that he could hit the road with them:

Mantis Cage

But, despite their best efforts and provision of what was arguably considered “luxury insect housing,” Rally Mantis ascended to the big trashcan in the sky on Friday.

Ed Volquez, the Royals’ pitcher, released this incredibly sentimental and moving statement regarding the passing of the mantis:

“He gone. We need a new one.”

As you can see, emotions are running high.

Below is an emotional tribute to Rally Mantis, posted on the Twitter account of Royals Team Member, Dillon Gee.

Although RM is gone, the Royals will not go quietly into that good night. In a recent turn of events, the ballplayers have taken the stance of Volquez and procured a “new one.”

Rally Mantis Jr., a new praying mantis, joined the team this week and its members are taking every step to make sure he’s here to stay.

“I want to take care of him,” Burns said. “He’s part of our team now.”

You can find Rally Mantis Jr. enjoying his new home in the Royals’ dugout. But, will he bring about the same good fortune as his predecessor?

Mantis Jr.

Only time, our fickle friend, will tell.

Demon Mummy Dog Unearthed In Siberia

A group of Siberian diamond miners were “mining” their own business this past week, doing their diamond mining thing, providing the jewelry counters of the world with dazzling dinero, when they stumbled upon…

**Disclaimer– Don’t click below if you’re currently: driving a car, drinking coffee, performing surgery, helping an old lady across the street, or holding a child…**

[showhide type=”clicktoreveal”]demon dog[/showhide]

Ahhhhhhh!

(Pausing so you can provide medical attention to anyone who may need it)

No, it’s not a demon dog that has crawled up from the Underworld to bring about the end of days. Actually, no one quite knows what it is. Scientists are currently studying the specimen, which was found near the town of Udachny, in hopes of uncovering clues that point to the species of origin. Personally, I like to imagine a group of very important looking experts (all with far too many credentials for one person) standing around looking like this:

confused about demon dog

For now, the miners are speculating that it is some sort of unidentified dinosaur, other townspeople are considering it a negative omen. The latter is even more ironic considering the name of the town in which it was found, literally translates into “lucky.”

What we do know is that some naysayers are claiming that it is simply a wolverine, sable, or marten (which are common in the area) that was mutated by being trapped in sediment for such a long period of time.

The fact that the creature is so well-preserved is because Siberia is freezing, literally. The temperatures are currently at a staggering -34 degrees Fahrenheit. Whatever it is, has also been there a while; the sand that the animal was found in dates back as far as 252 million years ago.

Get this, until an official conclusion can be made you don’t need to go to a secret government lab to view the demon dog. No, you just need to take a peek inside one local’s freezer. We aren’t kidding.

But, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know, because we’re friends. I have actually found a photo of the creature from when it was alive. Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

Only click if you’re totally okay with shedding your identity and entering witness protection from this day forward:

[showhide type=”pressrelease”]ugly dog[/showhide]

Okay, okay….

You caught me. It’s just a photo of the winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog competition.

Made you look!