This article is provided by: Go-Forth Pest and Lawn of Winston-Salem
AND THE HEADLINES ARE:
1.
I would like to think that the zoo officials were sitting around a table during their morning meeting, brainstorming on their lion dilemma, when the janitor walks in. They then turn and look at him and say, “hey Carl, do you still have that dog?“
2.
After further research, because we didn’t believe it at first, this is in fact a REAL thing. The geckos were apparently part of a Russian experiment where they sent fruit flies, mushrooms, and geckos into space. What’s even better is that the Russian’s are continually losing control of this satellite. As a result, when they intermittently do receive a signal from the satellite, they’ve mostly seen geckos…having sex. One small step…?
3.
Just what exactly happened at that McDonald’s? I just hope that it involved a kangaroo running around, socking people in the face while Chicken McNuggets and french fries rained from the skies.
4.
Belligerent squirrel? Do those two words even go together? I hope that the film crew of Cops was there and showed up to a drunken squirrel, throwing beer bottles and yelling derogatory remarks. Meanwhile, this poor helpless man is wailing in the corner, crying, “he only gets like this when he drinks! Don’t arrest him!“
5.
Just a poor Florida man, fighting the good fight.
6.
I feel like if this happens to you, you deserved it. Plain and simple. I also love the background photo of the assailant, simply because he looks like if there were a speech bubble coming out of his mouth it would be saying, “Come at me, bro.“
7.
What? Why? This headline sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, “A horse walks into a liquor store…”
8.
Is this headline even real?! Do wallabies know geometry? Is there something they’re not telling us?! Where did they get access to drugs? SO MANY QUESTIONS!